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Thursday, September 30, 2004

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF JOE REPUBLICAN" 

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hat tip Kos Comments

From Joe Sixpack



Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffee pot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too.

He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. He drops the bottle, but it doesn't shatter and send shards of glass into Joe's foot making him fall and crack his kneecap in two because the shampoo bottle's made of plastic, all because some greedy, out-of-control trial lawyer sued enough shampoo manufacturers years ago for negligence so that now all shampoo bottles are plastic and shatterproof -- good thing for Joe.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean, or cleaner than it otherwise would be, because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's work isn't unionized, though, because his employer provides this pay and these benefits because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to unionize.

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune. If Joe's employer tries to stiff him on workers' comp benefits, Joe knows of a sharp trial lawyer he can go to who will fight like the devil for Joe.

It is noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe also forgets that his in addition to his federally subsidized student loans, he attended a state-funded university.

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards to go along with the tax-payer funded roads.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans.

The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure that Joe's father could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to. The prescription prices are, regrettably, causing Joe's father a great deal of anxiety, they are high and Joe thinks, "If only those limosine liberals would stop doing the bidding of the pharmaceutical industry and act more like Capitol Hill Republicans who, after all, are fighting for the 'little man' and against the pharmaceutical industry's choke-hold on some of America's most vulnerable citizens!"

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."


Comments:
That's a great story. Waiting for more. »
 
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